How To Deal With Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia.

The International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia presented itself recently on May 17th, as it does every year, and although this is late to that party I think it could be very important to understand how, if this hate occurs, we can deal with it. "Deal with it". Hmm... That doesn't quite sound right. Maybe that's because we shouldn't just have to 'deal with' any hate based on who we are, however, we don't live in an ideal world and it does happen. So if it does or is happening to you or someone you know, let's prepare some solutions.

Maybe I'm jumping too far ahead for some people. Let's start by talking about what each of the terms above mean. Homophobia, describes negative attitudes, dislike or prejudice towards homosexuality. This can be towards people who identify as gay or lesbian more specifically, but it can be an overall word used to describe hatred to anyone within the LGBTQ+ community, both sexuality and gender. Transphobia, is a range of negative attitudes, dislike or prejudice towards transgender individuals. Biphobia is aversion towards bisexuality and towards individuals that identify as bisexual as a group. Each concept defined above can be expressed as fear, hatred, violence, anger, or discomfort towards those who do not conform to social normative expectations. Many people who carry out such attitudes may do this unintentionally due to lack of knowledge and acknowledgment of an ever-changing world or they could do this intentionally because they're hateful, intolerant, out-of-date a**holes. Maybe that was a bit too harsh... yet again, maybe it wasn't.

Either way, examples and solutions will be discussed throughout.

Let's not start with the idiots in the picture above, we'll work our way up to that level of hate. Let's start with subtle attitudes we may see everyday. Many of which I have faced with my partner. The way this dislike or prejudice is portrayed isn't always verbal and it may not be aggressively shown. When I took a two day trip last year to a well-known theme park in the UK, Alton Towers, my partner and I were faced with this non-verbal judgment. As we walked around the park holding hands, as you do in a relationship, almost every person we passed looked at us, looked at our hands, then looked back to our faces. Just to clarify, these looks were not judgment free. How could we tell? Trust me, you can tell. It got to the point where I asked my partner if I had something on me and I checked her to see if the stares were because of something embarrassing. Stares like this commonly happen to anyone not fitting the norms in a visible way. It can just be intrigue, it can be due to the fear and it can be due to the fact that people want you to know you aren't 'right'. How should the receivers of this deal with this?

The simple and passive way to deal with this is to continue doing what you're doing. I wasn't going to stop holding my love's hand because of lingering eyes and you shouldn't change what it is making them stare at you. Sadly, there will always be people who wanna see what's going on, and it may be unintentional, so just enjoy your day and brush it off. Hopefully with the increasing normality of the LGBTQ+ community will come less surprise when we wanna express ourselves. If you are a person who isn't LGBTQ+ and you tend to stare when you see someone different to you maybe just tone it down or give us a smile! Show us you are an ally, it'll help.

Taking a step up from that, what happens when the hate is verbal? There are a few types of verbal homophobia, we'll use this as an umbrella term for ease, and I will try to give a few examples of this.

First up, the 'I don't like this and I'm gonna tell you in a passive aggressive way' type. Again, I'm gonna use good-old Alton Towers as an example for this one. Yeah, it was a very accepting trip. You know how when you go on a rollercoaster you get a picture? Right? Well for our last ride of our trip, my partner and I decided to get a quick snap of us kissing on the ride, by kissing I don't mean full-on make out, I mean peck as we passed the camera. We did this and it's actually real cute, however, the people in front of us did not agree. We went to purchase our photo and were told indirectly by a middle-aged, mother-of-three that we ruined everyone's picture, "disgusting" (it was only us in the picture, no one else). She grabbed her children and walked away as if she hadn't said anything hurtful. In a situation like this there isn't much you can do. They've said it in a way that means they can p*ss off before confrontation occurs. We bought the photo anyway, skipped off, passed the lady and said overly loudly "I LOVE OUR PHOTO WE'RE SO CUTE!" Show them that you are happy and you aren't apologetic for that. Killing them with kindness will hurt them more than they have hurt you. They will know they are not the good person in that situation and you can go about your day knowing that you are good.

Now, the 'I don't like this so I'm gonna try get someone else to stop this' type. A cowardly strategy that does happen. Another personal example that happened to myself and my partner is the time we were at my local fairground. Someone, from the staff actually, reported us because we were holding hands. Apparently holding hands is blasphemy. Anyway, it circled round the staff so much that the manager came up to me while my partner was on a ride. It could've gone one of two ways. She could say I am welcome or that I need to leave. Thankfully, she was a nice person and just asked me if anyone had spoken to us about it. I had no idea it was even happening so I was shocked to be quite honest. She told us to ignore it if anything did get said to us and she was sorting it out with her staff. If this did go the other way and we were told to leave, there are again two options you can do. One, leave as requested. It may have made you feel unwanted anyway and the best thing to do is get out of the situation for now. Later, you could take further action as it is illegal to discriminate based on sexuality, gender, race and age etc (Equality Act 2010). Option two is to stand your ground. There is nothing wrong with you being there and enjoying your day, being yourself. You have every right, in my opinion, to carry on. This could increase confrontation though and potentially could result in security measures against you. I think this is subjective to the type of person you are.

Finally, you have the 'I don't like this, I have an opinion and I am egocentric enough to tell you this to your face' type. There are SO many examples of this. "It's a phase", "I can change you", "This is wrong", "God doesn't love you", "Let me try straighten you out", "You shouldn't be like this", "Choose a side", "This isn't a thing", "You're confused"... Do you need more? This can often be one of the hardest ones to deal with because you are faced with this directly and they want to see what you have to say. Depending on what it is they say your answer may change. In this situation I think it is best to hold your ground, be kind and be unapologetic. They will probably not change their mind no matter what you say to them anyway. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone. It all comes down to having pride within yourself and being happy to live your true self. It might be good to dismiss them and go on about your day but obviously it isn't always that simple. Just own who you are flamboyantly and make them angry with that because they're gonna be mad regardless of if you hide or not.

More seriously, there is the homophobia, transphobia and biphobia that manifests in physical assault or worse in some cases. Below is a photo of a couple assaulted on a bus for not kissing each other when told to do so by a group of men. This was in London. In 2019.

When something so severe as this happens it is simply unacceptable. The men ended up being charged, as they should be. The women in this situation stood their ground and refused to give in to the attackers orders and belittling of their sexuality. It is heartbreaking that we live in a world where this still happens. What should you do if this happens or is going to happen to you?

Try and get out of the situation. This is easier said than done but if there is any way to remove yourself and get to safety, do it. If it is too late for that and the attack has happened, follow legal measures and make sure you can get to a safe place. Try and get help.

To be honest, I know the majority of this post sounds like 'let it happen' but the real change for homophobia is teaching people it is wrong to hate from an early age. The men that hurt those women should have been taught and brought up in a world where it is wrong to hurt people and it is normal to love. It's no use saying to you 'don't go out at night alone' and 'change who you are when with certain people' because that isn't the problem. The problem is the people who hold up signs saying that 'homosexual marriage is an act of terrorism' like in the first picture. Me wanting to marry a woman that I love is compared to a person killing thousands of people as part of an organisation. That is the problem.

So, how should you deal with homophobia, tansphobia and biphobia? Be exactly who you want to be and love exactly who you want to love. Just watch the angry people and feel sorry for them for living their lives with such hatred. Throw glitter on them, hold your partner's hand in Alton Towers and be proud of who you are.

If people don't want to be friends with you or cut you out of their lives because of how you identify then let them leave because you are not the problem. They are.

KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS... and sarcastic comments.

---

Rainbow Talk

Need help with a particular type of homophobia, transphobia or biphobia? Contact me and I'll try to help.

---