Written by Kaylee Race
Throughout my childhood I would always want to play sports and run around outside and not play indoors with toys or barbies like my younger sisters. As a teenager I always thought that something was amiss as I used to enjoy the company more of women than I did men. I could have a laugh more with guys but with women I connected more with them and was always so shy whenever someone would speak to me. I pushed my feelings down as I thought I was pretty young and just concentrated on my schoolwork, getting the grades I needed to succeed.
It was not until I started playing football when I was 14 and immediately became drawn to one of the girls on my team. We used to speak constantly outside of football and always be at each other’s houses. The feelings grew more and more and when I could not see them, I used to wonder why I would get so upset about it. I would try and rack my brain for hours on what those feelings meant and would actually mean later on down the line. It wasn’t until a few months after playing football that I realised I liked her more than a friend and, lucky for me, she felt the exact same.
But because we were so young, we wanted to keep it to ourselves, from our families and our friends.
At first, I was completely ok with that as I was coming to terms with it myself and was getting used to being with a woman for the first time. After 2 years of being a couple in secret I felt I was ready to tell my family and friends as everyone always used to ask me if things were what they seemed, but I used to deny them. She still didn’t want anyone to know and I was in a different place to her as to how I felt, and this caused a massive problem for us both to the point where she no longer wanted to be with me. This broke my heart, but it also made me stronger as I had the courage to tell a select few of my closest friends what had been happening.
I cried and they literally just kept hugging me saying everything was going to be fine and that they accepted me for who I was.
It wasn’t until a year or 2 after this that I came out to my parents, in the meantime I was dating and got used to this new normal for me. I had a bad relationship after who was controlling and turned me into a person that wasn’t me.
This was when me coming out to my parents happened.
I was friends with two people who had recently split up with each other, one of them was with me and other came round to give them something of theirs (I was the one to open the door) as I came back in my dad was sat next to my friend and he asked me if that was my girlfriend (trying to have a joke) I replied with no. He then asked me if I was actually gay after asking me a million times previously and me denying each one, and without any hesitation or thought process I literally said “yes”.
He thought I was joking at first and I said that no I actually am. My sisters came running downstairs with pure excitement because I had finally admitted that I was gay. Everyone was so supportive and the only thing my parents said to me was they were disappointed I never told them before. It was such a huge relief to have such a positive reaction. All of my family followed, with me coming out to them, and one by one they all said they already knew I was but they were waiting for me to say something.
After this I was relieved, I could finally be myself and express myself in a way I have always wanted. I was able to talk about things more and not have to hide any part of me from the world.
It hasn’t always been plain sailing, as my previous partner who I was with for three years, I was blind to see was abusive in many forms. Mentally and towards the end physically. Which, still till this day, has had lasting effects of me having to go through countless therapies to get myself on track and recover from having anxiety and depression ever since. I am finally on the mend and I have the most loving and supportive family and friends who help me daily to remind me that life brings us down sometimes, but it takes incredible strength to get back up. It’s been 11 years since I first knew I was gay, and I’ve never been happier and wouldn’t change it for the world. Being queer has brought huge amounts of happiness that I have always wanted for myself and I continue to grow and educate others on something that is so close to my heart.
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