My Coming Out Story
- Hannah Costello
- Jun 5, 2020
- 3 min read
Trying To Accept The Gay
Everyone has a story once they figure out they belong in the LGBTQ+ community. Each one involving the hard task of acceptance. Well, to some lucky people it may not be so difficult or a big deal but to many of us it is. So here's my story and words of wisdom for those still on their own journey trying to reach the beginning of the rainbow.
My experience is not sunshine and daisies so be prepared but it does end with hope and happiness, don't get too scared.
I was 12 years old when I first witnessed lesbian content on TV. I, like many others that got sucked into the Glee madness, fell in love with a brunette, lesbian cheerleader and my baby-gay self did not know what to do. Wait... is this really happening to me? Take a deep breath.
Am I gay?
When I first asked myself this question it was a time when the LGBTQ+ community was taboo and so separated from being 'normal' that I knew I didn't want whatever was happening to me. I went through the usual stages: denial, denial, wait... she is hot, denial denial denial. I was now 13 years old and I already hated myself.
I needed to tell someone. That's what you do right? As soon as you figure this out you have to tell someone, right? Wrong. Take your time. My innocent self didn't know this so I told someone. I wasn't ready and I knew I wasn't but my 'friend' knew I had a secret. I got onto the peer pressure train track and got hit full pelt. I wrote, in the middle of class, on a scrap piece of paper, in my simple, little writing 'I am gay'. Class was over and I felt sick. I was terrified. It's school so you know the story doesn't end there. No, my note got passed to someone else and then next thing I knew a lot of people found out. To this day I still don't know who did and didn't know but I felt like everyone was staring at me. I felt dirty, different and all of a sudden alone. Everyone left.
That's when it got painful. The same person that outed me showed me how to use all of the chaos, fear and sadness and take it out on myself physically. It didn't help but it was something I could control. I thought I deserved it. I was clawing my way to the furthest corner of the closet, pressing myself to the wood in the dark in case the doors ever crept open. It got so hard I began to think I should just end the darkness all together...
I told you it didn't start out great...
I survived though. School was over, I left everyone behind, I left all labels behind. Any thoughts I'd had of a rainbow filled life were ripped up and locked behind the walls of that god-awful school. And it worked for a while. For 3-4 years I ignored everything about my sexuality. I was straight. I got with guys. I was supposed to. Wait, is it meant to feel this bad? Gross. Maybe it feels like this for everyone. Trust me, it's not meant to feel like that.
Then came university. I traded my coping mechanism of hurting myself for alcohol. Yes I became a borderline alcoholic but I began to kiss who I wanted to kiss and be with people I wanted to be while not having to explain myself. It was my excuse. Until it didn't have to be anymore. Does anyone actually care? Look around, maybe it's okay now? Please, please just be yourself. It feels too good not to be anymore.
Excuse me, your rainbow is showing. Finally!
It took going to a counsellor and having a breakdown to grieve my straight self but I did it and I fell in love along the way.
It doesn't matter how long it takes or how you get there but it is your story and your path to take. Every story is beautiful although it might be hard to see at first.
Life is too short to ignore or deny your truth and once you do it is freedom. Simply fresh air.
Here is my advice. From my queer butt to someone that might need it. Take your time, adjust for yourself first, accept the love around you and kiss whoever you want (with consent and within legal guidelines of course).
You are beautiful and you aren't alone.
I love my unique self.
Love yours too.
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